Satire: Coronavirus Cancellations & Boredom



Josh Bock

We’ve launched into full-tilt chaos because of COVID-19. Universities are shutting down, sports seasons are being called off, and disgruntled citizens everywhere are still reacting to this video. These are hard times. It’s difficult to know how to entertain yourself or to determine what activities are safe, and it’s even more difficult to make it through an entire update from the school district. Here are some bullet points containing advice about some enriching activities and preventative measures you should partake in:


  1. If there is any better week to start that Hulu free trial, I can’t think of it.
  2. Wear a hazmat suit if you need to walk your pet pangolin.
  3. Read a book, go for a run, clean your room. You are the master of your destiny. At least in all non-pandemic areas of life.
  4. At least once every hour, it is important to thoroughly wash your hands. Lather your hands with soap and make sure to cover every surface of your fingers. Here’s a trick to remember how long to wash your hands: Imagine the happy birthday song. Then blowing out the candles, then eating the cake, then going to bed. You eventually awaken to the sound of the sunlight peeking through the window. How do you hear sunlight? You’re probably just a little hungover. Things feel oddly similar. You thought your 50th birthday was supposed to be special. Now you’re just marching towards 51. Chesterfield, I need those reports by noon. And for God’s sake, would you iron that shirt? Yessir. Sorry, sir. You are just one gear in the vast corporate machine. You know this. It doesn’t bother you, as long as you get your paycheck at the end of the month. You silently resign to your life of monotony. After imagining this scenario in your head, you should notice your hands beginning to melt. Now, run your hands under some warm water, and go about your day, totally germ free!
  5. It is unsafe right now to ride a motorcycle. It’s always unsafe to ride a motorcycle. Just thought I’d say it.
  7. Sir, I probably shouldn’t kiss anything with this virus going around.
  8. Watch it. You’ve got a big mouth, Chesterfield.
  9. Yeah, the growth plates in my palate closed when I was 37.
  10. I hope you’re happy with yourself. From now on, I’m gonna stick you with the most boring, monotonous assignments of your career.
  11. C’est la vie… 
  12. Watch the news, or something. Look, I’m running out of ideas.