Satire: A Comprehensive List of Reasons Why You Might’ve Been Rejected from Harvard


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Some Ivy Leagues that have the power to crush dreams of seniors all across the country.

Josh Bock

  1. You are overqualified.
  2. Their comp-sci department hacked into your browser history.
  3. No, not Hartford University.
  4. You rescinded your application because they “are a bunch of elitists” and also because your father went to Princeton and you need to continue the legacy.
  5. In response to the essay prompt “What is the greatest challenge you have overcome?” you copied and pasted an overly complicated recipe for gluten-free avocado infused toast.
  6. Affirmative action.
  7. Sharon from the admissions office “forgot” she was on doughnut duty that morning. Again. (Fun fact: Sharon’s gluten-free diet has derailed no fewer than fifteen futures)
  8. The Naviance scatter plot says you were accepted, but also you are red-green colorblind.
  9. You missed the application deadline because you were on a self-guided wellness retreat to your room.
  10. You forgot to write an application. Dammit, you even told Siri to remind you.
  11. You listed Top Gun as your favorite movie, which was unsettling because colleges are working hard to cultivate a “Safe Space,” not a “Danger Zone.”
  12. In your interview, you revealed your plans to drop out sophomore year and invent Facebook.
  13. We appreciate your preferred 1.5 Grapes Per Apple ratio in a fruit assortment, but that is not what GPA means and 1.5 is not quite what we are looking for.