Satire: Gambling Tips From An Expert

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Our society closely associates Native American culture with two things: lacrosse (because they invented it) and gambling (because of this). Both lacrosse and gambling are now flourishing in Scarsdale even though the Native American population here is very low, that is unless you count all your friends who are 1/64 Cherokee. Genetics aside, our Ashkenazi lacrosse team went on summer vacation a little early this year, so instead, we will take a look at that other favorite pastime of Scarsdale boys: gambling.

Even after March Madness, sports betting sustained its stranglehold on the SHS student body. In addition, online poker and other traditional betting games have become popular. With this in mind, I have put together some tips and tricks to make sure that you don’t waste your Bar Mitzvah money on gambling so that you can instead waste it on “a college education” or “financial security in your early twenties.”

  1. The golden rule of sports betting: Only bet on a team if you know they will win. It’s pretty simple, but a lot of people surprisingly forget this trick and accidentally pick a team that ends up losing.
  2. In the unlikely event that you do lose money, there is a surefire way to limit the damage: don’t pay. Refuse to pay what you owe, and then keep betting in the meantime until you get back up to even. I mean come on, nobody actually thought you’d pay $150 after losing that bowling match, right?
  3. Time travel has proven to be a very effective strategy in sports betting (e.g. Back to the Future Part II).
  4. During the fall, bet on college football. It’s as guaranteed as saving 15% or more on car insurance by switching to Geico (this line was brought to you by Geico).
  5. Don’t take betting advice from friends. Most of the time it’s BS, kind of like when Geico says you will save 15% or more by switching to them (this line was brought to you by Progressive).
  6. If your parents give you a hard time about gambling then give them a hard time about investing in the stock market. What’s the difference between betting on the Warriors and betting on AAPL?
  7. As a poker expert who has seen Casino Royale no less than 1.5 times, I should let you know that everyone has a “tell,” or a subtle change in behavior that can give away their cards. Since everyone is addicted to online poker I’m not sure how this information is useful but I thought you might like to know it just in case you ever find yourself stranded in Nevada with no cell phone and a couple of hundred bucks to throw away as you cling to your fleeting youth or something like that.
  8. Another fun way to lose money is to place a “prop bet,” which is when you bet with your friends on which prop will be out of place on the new Game of Thrones episode.
  9. A recent study found that the demographic least likely to lose a bet are people who never make bets in the first place. While this study has not yet been replicated or peer-reviewed, the evidence is overwhelming that the best gambling tip is don’t gamble.

I hope you’ve learned a thing or nine from this guide and that you are ready to make calculated decisions using my cutting edge methods. Happy gambling!