Satire: A Comprehensive List of Reasons Why You Might’ve Been Rejected from Harvard
Some Ivy Leagues that have the power to crush dreams of seniors all across the country.
December 22, 2019
- You are overqualified.
- Their comp-sci department hacked into your browser history.
- No, not Hartford University.
- You rescinded your application because they “are a bunch of elitists” and also because your father went to Princeton and you need to continue the legacy.
- In response to the essay prompt “What is the greatest challenge you have overcome?” you copied and pasted an overly complicated recipe for gluten-free avocado infused toast.
- Affirmative action.
- Sharon from the admissions office “forgot” she was on doughnut duty that morning. Again. (Fun fact: Sharon’s gluten-free diet has derailed no fewer than fifteen futures)
- The Naviance scatter plot says you were accepted, but also you are red-green colorblind.
- You missed the application deadline because you were on a self-guided wellness retreat to your room.
- You forgot to write an application. Dammit, you even told Siri to remind you.
- You listed Top Gun as your favorite movie, which was unsettling because colleges are working hard to cultivate a “Safe Space,” not a “Danger Zone.”
- In your interview, you revealed your plans to drop out sophomore year and invent Facebook.
- I appreciate your preferred 1.5 Grapes Per Apple ratio in a fruit assortment, but that is not what GPA means and 1.5 is not quite what they are looking for.
