The world is like a vacuum cleaner, in that it is filled with dirt and it sucks. 

I’ve always wanted to say that, but now I can’t, because recently the world stopped sucking and instead entered balls-to-the-wall-no-pain-no-gain-you-only-live-once-worst-place-ever mode. I could list all the terrible parts of 2020, but my editor is telling me I have a word limit. So instead, let’s be optimistic and look to the future. What new horrors await? To answer that question, I sent a team of elite special agents on a reconnaissance mission to Chuck Norris’s house, to see what plans he has in store for the human race. Here is what we found.

July 

North Korea demonstrates its nuclear capabilities by launching a missile at New Mexico, killing dozens of meth dealers. The missile strike is drowned out by terrible news when Beyonce surprise-releases an album, and it’s just not that good. It’s good, don’t get me wrong, but it’s not, like, Beyonce-good, you know what I mean? The world restlessly wonders if she will ever recover.

August

California Pizza Kitchen announces plans to invade every authentic Italian neighborhood on the eastern seaboard. The ensuing civil unrest results in a hostage crisis. CPK executives announce that they will release the twelve hostages if President Trump “eats a delicious, doughy slice of our cheesy brick oven pizza on live television.” Trump responds, “We do not negotiate with terrorists.” The CPK executives loosen their stance, offering to release the hostages if any American citizen is willing to eat a slice of their pizza. Three days later, there is a nationwide memorial for the hostages.

September

Everyone in New York stubs a toe at the exact same time, and the combined screams cause an earthquake that reaches Los Angeles and knocks over all of the statues in the Hollywood Wax Museum. A new Twilight movie is released, but it’s just outtakes of Taylor Lautner taking off his shirt in the previous movies. The tweenaged girls’ screams give everyone tinnitus. The month is later referred to as “Screaming September.”

October

Cats realize that we are just pointing lasers at the wall to mess with them, so now that’s ruined. Instagram influencers decide it’s a good time to speak up about how they are marginalized in society. They stage a nationwide protest, but it only lasts for seven minutes, the time it takes to get three good photos and a goofy one just for yourself. Everyone’s socks are suddenly itchy all the time.

November

The suffering ends when Jesus Christ of Nazareth comes to earth through a portal in a Brooklyn cafe, but he dies shortly thereafter in a unicycle accident. It is revealed in an autopsy that the man was just a hipster with a Jesus-y beard, and the temporary end to the suffering was just Lord Chuck Norris taking his annual nap.

December

The southern hemisphere and the northern hemisphere switch for a day, just for fun; everyone wearing warm clothing is uncomfortable all day. Godzilla shows up at an Outback Steakhouse. He just sits down and orders a salad, but still, everyone is really creeped out. We look forward to the New Year, but we all miss the exciting countdown because our big dinner makes us sleepy. Three days later, the assassination of an Iranian general raises the threat of war. WE ARE CAUGHT IN A TIME LOOP.