Note: Due to scheduling complications, this letter must be published before the election results are determined.

Dear SHS,

After political turmoil, civil unrest, and several watchable SNL sketches, election day has finally come and gone. Individuals across America have exercised their inalienable right to have a voice in our democracy. The people have spoken.

I want to address the community directly to offer a ray of hope in these bleak times and to reassure you that things won’t be so bad. I know this guy wasn’t your top choice, or maybe even your fourth or fifth, but he’ll be gone in four years, if not dead by then. In the meantime, the country you know and love will persevere, undying in its commitment to democratic ideals and super PACs. The diverse perspectives you have come to tolerate will persist, robust in their whiney self-righteousness and unfettered commitment to being wrong. The fabric of our American identity will remain untearable, though itchy and manufactured in China.

Consider this: the President-elect was able to run a successful campaign despite his old age, sexual assault allegations, alleged use of political power for personal gain, and overall inability to produce a coherent sentence. It logically follows, then, that he must be really good at many other things, and it’s certainly possible that one of those things is running a country.

Let us not dwell on the uncertainties of this troubled time and instead enjoy the boundless potential for improvement and unification over the next four years. We can finally enjoy an administration free of petty partisanship, as the candidate who won will be able to focus entirely on the betterment of the nation, since he will almost certainly not seek reelection in 2024. Almost certainly.

Now, I do not want to take too much of your time, since we all have projects to procrastinate and schedules to protest, so I will leave you with this: whether you supported the winner of this election, remember that this was not a life-or-death decision. Politics is merely a game that cannot be won or lost, only propelled in exhausting circles like a game of Tag but with really old people. Don’t be the kid that throws a temper tantrum on the playground when the recess bell rings and you are still “it.” Be the kid that sits off to the side, thoughtfully enjoying a Ziploc bag of pretzels from home, and even though it may look like he doesn’t have friends it’s only because he is above all the petty games and just wishes he had been born in the eighties. And though I may have lost track of this metaphor several sentences ago, I believe the core of my message was that silly political disputes have no real effect on our lives. Basically, what I’m trying to say is that none of this matters, and also don’t vote.

This message has been brought to you by the Apathy for America Association and is in no way a reflection of the values or opinions of the Maroon staff.