This is a collection of my thoughts and feelings and fears and hopes about Zoom, expressed through thoughtful distillations of the human condition, or something.

Small Talk

Time for class. Well, not class so much as split screening Miniclip for 25 minutes. It’s 11:29 so I guess I’d better click the link. It’s just my teacher. Okay. This is not a disaster. I’m okay with this.

TEACHER: Hey, how’s it going?

ME: Oh, you know… more of the same.

TEACHER: I hope everybody is keeping safe in your family.

ME: Yeah you too.

TEACHER: You go to any parties this weekend?

ME: Haha… 

TEACHER: You go to the club? Have fun with all your friends?? Eat sushi off of each other’s stomachs?

ME: What? No.

TEACHER: J’accuse! Tu es le “COVID monstre!”

ME: Why are you speaking french in math class? Also, I’m not the COVID monster. I haven’t been doing any of that stuff.

TEACHER: Haha of course not! Gotta keep up that social distancing!

ME: Where is the rest of the class?

TEACHER: So, how has your hygiene been holding up?

ME: It’s 11:31 already… 

TEACHER: I know it can be difficult to stay clean and fresh nowadays. And you’ve gotta wash your hands for twenty seconds, you know.

ME: Uh-huh.

TEACHER: That’s two happy birthday songs.

ME: Uh-huh.

TEACHER: (singing) Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear COVID. Happy birthday to you.

ME: Yep.

TEACHER: (still singing) Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday dear COVID. Happy birthday to you.

ME: So… parabolic functions, huh?

TEACHER: This is my dog Lucy. Do you like yogurt? What’s your favorite type of basket?

Screen Over-Share

TEACHER: Welcome everybody. I’m going to screen share this presentation with you guys. One moment… hang on… one sec… what’s that button do? Ah, here we go. My apologies, that’s my email account. How do I close this? Sorry. Just ignore the emails with people’s Google Classroom grades. And the one about my son’s possession charges. Oh and don’t mind the email that my Amazon order shipped. It’s nothing interesting. Just some normal stuff like… bird food…  and hemorrhoid cream. Ah, here we go. Let me just open up Quicktime. Oh my, I’m sorry, I clicked on the wrong clip. I’m going to try to figure out how to fix this, but in the meantime just ignore this iMovie American Idol parody where I play every part and sing Firework using an aerosol can as a “microphone.” Okay, “select file”… oh, oh no. Sorry, just ignore this iMovie American Idol parody where I play every part and sing Chandelier using a banana as a “microphone.” Oh, I see the issue. I was in my “iMovieAmericanIdolParodyWhereIPlayEveryPartAndSingSongsByPopularFemaleArtistsUsingAFakeMicrophone” folder. What happens if I click this. Oh, this is pornography. Finally! In today’s class, we will be focusing on the rise of pornography in 1950s counterculture. Now let’s start with a quick poll—

STUDENT: I’m late for my next class. Can I leave now?

Sympathy for the Delinquent

“For assignment #23, please use the techniques we learned in today’s Zoom session to complete the attached worksheet.”

Today’s Zoom class? Oh no. Ohhhhhhh no. Oh no. Oh boy. Oh no. OHHHHHHHH NO! OHHHHHHHHHH NO! oh no.

A creepy man dressed in a red jumpsuit appears in a cloud of red smoke.

-Hello?

-Hahaha. Why hello there. I bet you are wondering who I am.

-No, I think I know.

-(singing) Please allow me to introduce myself… 

-Not necessary.

-(still singing) I’m a man of wealth and taste… 

-Dude, I know who you are.

-Oh really?

-Yes it’s pretty obvious that you’re the dev—

-I’M THE DEVIL!!! AHAHA!

-Get out of my room, man.

-You, my boy, have missed a Zoom class.

-Yeah, I’m pissed. Now I have to figure out the homework and send an embarrassing apology email to my teacher.

-If only there were a way to go back—

-Back in time?

-No… 

-Oh, so you, the devil, were not just going to offer me some contract where I get to go back in time and make it to the Zoom class in exchange for my soul or something lame like that?

-No… it was… cooler than that… 

-Okay then what is your proposal?

-Well, as I was saying, before you rudely interrupted me: if only there were a way to go back… to… that place in Chicago with the really good burgers… remember that place? From when you were six?

-Yeah? Why would I want to go back there?

-I’M GETTING THERE! You could go back there… and order the bacon cheddar deluxe burger… 

-Yeah?

-And then… 

-And then? 

-OKAY FINE! I WAS GOING TO OFFER A TIME TRAVEL SOULBOND AND THEN KEEP YOU TRAPPED IN THAT SAME ZOOM CLASS FOR ETERNITY! HAPPY?

-Yeah, I think I’m just going to email my teacher and take the class participation deduction, but thanks for the offer.

-Screw you. Have a nice life… 

-Thanks.

-Because the stuff that comes after is just… whew. Crazy.

Background Shenanigans

TEACHER: Alright I think we have everybody now. I’d like to review the homework and then get to some new material about the—hey, Blake, I’d really appreciate it if you could turn off that background. It’s distracting for the rest of the class.

BLAKE: Background?

T: Oh come on. Let’s not do this. We only have 25 minutes and a lot of stuff to get to.

B: What are you talking about?

T: Haha, Blake, we’re all laughing. Jokes over. Good job.

B: I’m really sorry. I don’t understand. What’s wrong with the background?

T: I see you’ve figured out that loop feature on Zoom.

B: What?

T: Look, I’m only going to ask this one more time: please turn off the looped background of your parents fighting. It is extremely distracting.