To whom it may concern,

Summer is here, and we understand that you have been patiently awaiting our response to the ever-changing circumstances. Here at The Summer Program You Have Been Looking Forward To Since January, safety is our number one priority. That is why, much to our disappointment, we have deemed it necessary to cancel all gatherings and events that you have been looking forward to this year.

We just want you to be safe this summer, so please do not try to enjoy yourself. If you thought you would enjoy yourself at any particular event this summer, then—much like Phil Swift’s boat sinking—it’s not going to happen, so don’t hold your breath.

It is of the utmost importance that you all stay safe, which is why we will take extra precautions to ensure that no member of our community enjoys his or herself at any time. To that end, the board of directors has, after much deliberation, decided to indefinitely cancel all of the following items:

• Nutella
• Dogs
• Taxpayer-subsidised glass blowing classes
• Delicious fake meats that look like one kind of meat but are actually another kind of meat
• Delicious real meats that look like one kind of meat but are actually that kind of meat
• Eating outside at a restaurant in short sleeves and forgetting that it still gets pretty cold around dinner time and shivering but not caring because the spices on this kebab are just exquisite!
• Novelty soda flavors
• Soup cans filled with chowder
• Chowder cans filled with whipped cream
• The elegant mechanical simplicity of tissue dispensers

We hope to stay connected through these troubling times, so please don’t hesitate to send a social distancing photo to our Instagram account so that we can see all of your beautiful frowning faces! We hope you will join us next year!

Sincerely,

Your summer camp / job / internship / class / scuba diving excursion / blacksmith apprenticeship