Satire: Attendance

– John?

-Here

-Allison

-Here

-Zack?

-Here

-Josie

-Is better than… 

-Clara

-Here

-Jacob?

-Has more money than… 

-Cameron

-Is more extroverted than…  

-Emily

-As a result of socioeconomic disparity, will most likely have more opportunities to thrive in corporate America than… 

-Sara

-Is not offended by the previous statement seeing as it is merely a candid assessment of the American capitalist machine, and also at least I’m not… 

-Jack

-Is in love with… 

-Katherine

-Is totally flattered but really doesn’t want to ruin everything we have going right now because we are such good friends, and also I have a crush on… 

-Laura

-Ohhhh. That explains a lot.

-Samuel

-Could not make it to class this morning but has asked me to read the following statement: 

Laura, honeybun, I know that my severe concussion and acute short term memory loss has put a strain on our relationship, but you’ve been my backbone, my rock through all of this—I assume. I don’t really know, you see, I have acute short term memory loss. Anyway, it’s just, well, I don’t want to hold you back, so I understand if you want to get back out there. I just ask one thing: please send me photos of your class notes today. 

Love, Samuel

-Alexa

-Here, but only so I don’t get grounded. Okay, also because I’m genuinely interested and invested in the learning process and am eager to succeed, but it’s, like, whatever.

-Jason

-Uh… Umm… Line?

-Here

-Thanks let’s roll again. Back to one!

-No, I don’t think we’ll do that. Anyways, with that out of the way, I want to welcome everybody to Attendance 101. That’s all for today. See you tomorrow.