Satire: Attendance

December 10, 2019

– John?










-Is better than… 






-Has more money than… 



-Is more extroverted than…  



-As a result of socioeconomic disparity, will most likely have more opportunities to thrive in corporate America than… 



-Is not offended by the previous statement seeing as it is merely a candid assessment of the American capitalist machine, and also at least I’m not… 



-Is in love with… 



-Is totally flattered but really doesn’t want to ruin everything we have going right now because we are such good friends, and also I have a crush on… 



-Ohhhh. That explains a lot.



-Could not make it to class this morning but has asked me to read the following statement: 

Laura, honeybun, I know that my severe concussion and acute short term memory loss has put a strain on our relationship, but you’ve been my backbone, my rock through all of this—I assume. I don’t really know, you see, I have acute short term memory loss. Anyway, it’s just, well, I don’t want to hold you back, so I understand if you want to get back out there. I just ask one thing: please send me photos of your class notes today. 

Love, Samuel



-Here, but only so I don’t get grounded. Okay, also because I’m genuinely interested and invested in the learning process and am eager to succeed, but it’s, like, whatever.



-Uh… Umm… Line?


-Thanks let’s roll again. Back to one!


-No, I don’t think we’ll do that. Anyways, with that out of the way, I want to welcome everybody to Attendance 101. That’s all for today. See you tomorrow.


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