Diner’s Guide to the New Cafeteria

Like many of the blossoming students here at SHS, the cafeteria underwent some significant changes over the summer. Snacks are popping up in funny places and the hot food area seems to have gotten a lot bigger. The response has been mixed, and many students don’t really know what to think, which is perfect because Maroon is here to tell you exactly what you should think.

Hot Pasta Station: 9.2/10

The scrumptious tortellini bits bathing in a pool of oil never fail to satiate our yearning for carbohydrates at 11:45 on a Tuesday. What’s more, the al dente penne a la marinara served on a bed of delicious compostable corn plate material is a staple of the pasta station and a foolproof option for the less adventurous diners.

Chicken Tenders: 5.0/10

To the delight of SHS diners and eight-year-old visitors, cafeteria all-star Chicken Tenders has signed on for yet another year. The exciting outer texture and exhilarating uniformity are the marquis aspects of this dish, but—make no mistake—there is still room for variety in your three piece basket. The dish is perfect whether you like chicken tenders tough or tender, though it is really for the thrill seekers who don’t want to know which one they will get.

Create Station: 4.5/10

Inspired by the great American experiment, the create station satisfies our inherently American compulsion to create, to invent, to fail, to rebound, to succeed, and finally to harvest the fruits of our prosperity. While the latter is of course the ideal final step in the American dream, it is the pursuit of prosperity itself that is so deeply American. Oh, the food is okay too.

Snacks: 3.2/10

The sweet feeling of victory upon tearing open a wrapper and sinking your teeth into a Nugo protein bar is unmatched, however the variety in this category is severely lacking. For example, you will notice all kinds of mediocre snacks such as Goldfish and pretzels littering the display, taking up space where Nugo bars could have been. Yesterday, I even saw fruit snacks on the snack shelves. Fruit snacks are not even Nugo bars! And it’s not as if the cafeteria has run out of options; they only offer three types of dark chocolate flavored Nugo bars. What about the beef jerky wrapped dark chocolate Nugo bars? What about the cream cheese and lox filled dark chocolate Nugo bars? Unbelievable.

Cold Sandwich Station: 0.5/10

We food critics often say that the flavors and textures of a dish tell a story on your palette. It only took one bite for my cold sandwich to spell out the word “disappointment.” The cold, solid cheese refused to fuse with the rest of the sandwich, interrupting the cohesive nature that all appetizing sandwiches aspire to achieve. Beyond that, the mediocre room temperature bread emits a hostile, unwelcoming vibe towards the diner as if to say, “Go back to math class. You do not belong in the cafeteria.”