Okay, that was misleading. This article is mostly about Scarsdale High School’s student government constitution, but you’re already here, so you might as well keep going. Also, there are photos of puppies, so I technically didn’t lie.

As all politically informed SHS students know, our school has a constitution that lays out the duties and procedures of the student government. Since it might’ve been a while since you opened the SHS website > Activities > School Government > SHS Government Constitution, I thought I’d refresh your memory. There are many intricacies of the student government that I think you’ll find quite interesting. No, seriously.

For example, one section regarding the jurisdiction of “the House” eloquently states: “The House recognizes the legal implications of challenging the following areas, however, the House also recognizes the legal implications of challenging the following areas, however, the House also recognizes its ability to challenge these areas if necessary…”

It’s really not important what the “following areas” actually are. What’s important is your cerebral health after trying to read that sentence.

Clearly, the document is expertly written, but many constitutional law experts at our school believe that the constitution needs an update. Specifically, there is one obvious flaw in the document. Can you spot it??

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That’s right, valued Maroon reader. There is no procedure for dealing with an unopposed candidate who fails to accumulate a single vote.

As you already know, students are often forced to vote for a candidate who is running unopposed, which is the democratic equivalent of walking into a Build-A-Bear Workshop that just has one sad premade polar bear. However, many students decide to abstain from the vote out of spite, laziness, or a deep-seated hatred for the candidate.

But what if everyone abstained from voting for an unopposed candidate? It’s not that hard to imagine since the voter turnout is already comparable to the turnout at Shabbat services in Connecticut. Seriously, I don’t even know what to do with a candidate who loses to nobody, and apparently, neither does our school constitution. Should we just give it to them? Should we look for a volunteer? Should we punish their mediocrity with a public stoning in the courtyard? I don’t know, but the chaos is exhilarating.

Sure, the constitution needs to be updated, but the good news is that it has been amended before. A new version of the constitution was ratified in 2017. The update included several radical changes like the deletion of some stuff about forums and quorums as well as the conversion from a scanned PDF file to a typed PDF file.

I highly suggest you go read this constitution on your own time. It even has a cute little preamble that uses the words “herein” and “therein” in the same sentence, and there are roughly two full pages of impeachment procedures for naughty elected officials…

Oh, and for your unadulterated convenience, here is the link: https://www.scarsdaleschools.k12.ny.us/Page/24468