Satire: School University College Application

The year is mid-November. The time is half-past Tuesday. A college admissions officer has just finished his lunch break, so the sun will be setting any minute now. He sits down at his desk and adjusts his School University tie. He stares at the menacing stack of early admissions applications in front of him. He picks up an application. He examines it. He smells it. He takes a bite. “Gross.” He places it in the deny pile. As he opens his computer to play a game of 2048, one application at the top of the pile catches his eye: John Doe from Scarsdale, New York.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

In no more than 150 words, please tell us why School University is a good fit for you.

From the first moment I stepped onto the campus of School University, I knew it would be perfect. I am excited about all the learning opportunities which involve professors teaching me things. Such learning opportunities are a high priority in my college search. I also like how there is school spirit, and the mascot is an example of that. Finally, School University is a good fit for me because [add some B.S. about community later].

In no more than 5 words, list five (5) words that perfectly describe you.

Passionate, creative, and blatantly lying. 

School University has always effected political change and championed a progressive culture (okay, except for viral antisemitism, institutional bias, and a full century of only admitting men). Anyways, comment on politics, and make it controversial!

Hard pass. But thanks anyway.

Please list no more than eight extracurricular activities you participate in.

• Sport: Playing sport taught me how to collaborate with other people, be a good teammate, and get invited to parties.
• Service Club for Humanity: As an officer of the Service Club for Humanity, I learned how to collaborate with other people, be a good servant to humanity, and bake cookies.
• Another Service Club: As a valued participant of Another Service Club, I learned how to collaborate with other people, be selfless, and collaborate with other selfless people.
• Improv Comedy: Practicing improv comedy taught me how to collaborate with other people, get disinvited to parties, recognize when a joke format has been overused, avoid putting a hat on a hat, and list three things. Dammit, that’s three meta-jokes in one list.
• Business Ventures: I charge people five dollars for one bite of a sandwich. So far I have made $6,500.

Video Essay: In a short three-minute video, please describe a passion of yours and how you might explore and expand that passion at School University.

ApplicationVideo.mp4

Please submit a letter of recommendation from a teacher from 11th grade.

To whom it may concern,

I am Mr. Teacher from the English department at Scarsdale High School, and I am writing to you in support of John Doe. Let me first say this: John Doe is easily one of the students I’ve ever had in my time at Scarsdale High School. He always comes to class prepared and ready to participate (he doesn’t usually participate, but he always seems ready to participate). John was always a fun student to have. He would often stop by my office unprompted, and I would ask, “What brings you here?” and he would respond, “You wrote ‘see me’ at the top of my essay.” Classic John. He has a great sense of humor. I’m sure he gets it from that improv comedy. He really always knew when a joke format had been overused. Anyways, I was really honored when he asked me to write his letter of recommendation, even though I am a proud Education College man. To whichever admissions officer who is reading this, I want to assure you that John would be a great fit for School University.

————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————

But Mr. Teacher did not know that his words had fallen on illiterate eyes, for the admissions officer had lied on his own job application when he wrote “proficient in the alphabet.” Doe’s application had only caught the man’s eye because it looked delicious. It wasn’t. Deny. The admissions officer opens 2048. He doesn’t know how to play; he just likes warm colors.