Recap of the Yom Kippur Break Fast Politics Debate

We get it. Political tensions are running high, there are a million different issues to keep up with, and there is a presidential election going on, so you didn’t have time to watch the Yom Kippur political debate at the holiday dinner table. You really meant to get around to it, and you told your friends you watched the highlights on CNN, but you actually have no idea what happened. That’s why I’m here to catch you up on everything you missed.

The Candidates:

• Grandpa: Moderately liberal.
• Grandma: Very conservative, but only to get back at Grandpa for saying she was “too old to be driving all the way to Scarsdale” yesterday.
• Aunt Jodi: Went to UC Berkeley.
• Uncle Fred: Prefers to stay out of these types of things because he is “above all this bickering.”
• Cousin Ally: Just wants everyone to be happy. (She hasn’t quite grown out of that five-year-old communism phase).
• Other Uncle Joe: Occasionally interjects with the “two Jews, three opinions” joke but otherwise silent.
• Mom: Generally moderate, with the exception of her strong conviction that we all just “settle down and enjoy the brisket I made.”

The Moderator: Dad

Possible points of bias:

• Ongoing tensions between Dad and Fred regarding who will get the beachhouse when Grandpa dies (if that ever happens…)
• Mom made a vegan brisket this year. What does that even mean?
• Ally made a drawing of the whole family in stick figures in which Dad’s torso was depicted as a circle instead of a line. He doesn’t weigh that much more than Fred, right?
• Aunt Jodi offered to make regular brisket. She gets it.

The Objective: Intellectual superiority!

The Issues:

Who is your pick for the Democratic Presidential nomination?

Quotes to remember:

ALLY: Why can’t we all be President? Mommy says I’m gonna be President one day.

DAD: (under his breath) Not with those drawing skills.

Stance on Donald Trump… Go!

Quotes to remember:

GRANDMA: Well, he must be doing something right if he looks that good at 73.

GRANDPA: Watch it, Betty

(Grandma later added: “I’ll bet he lets his wife drive wherever she wants.”)

What is your opinion on those things happening in the Middle East?

Quotes to remember: 

AUNT JODI: I am in full support of those people in the Middle East and am very conscious and sensitive to all those things that are happening, whatever they are.

UNCLE FRED: Who are you to take such a firm stance on the issues of the Middle East, which are presumably very complex? We shouldn’t go around imposing our western ideologies on solving this problem which has probably been going on for a long time and, I assume, has a lot of people involved?

JOE: Haha two Jews, three opinions, amirite guys?

DAD: That was two Jews and zero opinions.

What is your stance on the possible impeachment of Donald Trump?

Quotes to remember:

UNCLE FRED: I don’t really know because I choose not to pay attention to petty partisan politics.

GRANDPA: Yes, well the issue is one associated with a great deal of ambiguity, a sort of constitutional fog, if you will—

DAD: Why do you always take Fred’s side!

MOM: Because Fred finishes his vegan brisket!

JODI: Oh well I’m sorry my brisket recipe wasn’t GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU!

MOM: APOLOGY ACCEPTED!

ALLY: FROM THE ASHES OF CAPITALISM THE OPPRESSED WORKING CLASS WILL RISE!

GRANDMA: I’m driving home now.

MOM: Oh come on, Betty, at least stay for dessert. I made a delicious vegan moose.

GRANDMA: It’s pronounced “mousse.”

MOM: Yeah, that’s what I said. “Moose.”

MOOSE: *Moose Noises*

Winner: Uncle Fred got a considerable boost in the polls. And the beachhouse.

I hope that this recap gives you an idea of what went down at your dinner table while you were scrolling through Instagram. Now you have all these memorable moments up your sleeve to reference at school to impress your friends and make them think you were paying attention.