My Official Timeline of Flu Season Woes

Calm down! CALM DOWN!

I know. There has been a lot of chaos and confusion this week: What’s going on? How will this affect the election? Who’s that guy? What were his motivations? Does he have that power in the Senate? Do cows have sentience?

But now that my days of binge-watching House of Cards and pondering existential questions about cows are over, I can officially release the official sequence of events regarding my health—officially. Here is the official timeline of my flu season woes:

Afternoon of Wednesday 1/15

My Mom points out that I seem “glassy-eyed.” I ask her what that means. She says my eyes look reflective and sick. I tell her that “reflective” and “sick” are not synonyms, just as “opaque” and “banjo” are not synonyms. She tells me that “opaque” and “banjo” are different parts of speech. I tell her that I can’t hear her because I’m practicing on my opaque banjo. Dammit.

Night of Wednesday 1/15

I get an idea for a Maroon article called, “I’m Not Sick, Mom,” which would make fun of my Mom for getting all worked up and worried that I was sick. (This is true. Upon joining Maroon, I took a binding oath of journalistic integrity and honesty, and if I lie on record I have to write a letter of apology to the editors-in-chief signed in blood, so clearly there is a lot at stake for me. Okay, that part about the oath was a lie. But the other part was true. Actually.)

Thursday 1/16

I pitch the idea and sign up to write my article. Everything is going according to plan. I come home from hockey practice. My throat hurts. It’s cold in here.

Night of Thursday 1/16

I get tested for the flu and strep. Negative. Everything is fine. I don’t have the flu or strep.

Morning of Friday 1/17

No, I definitely have the flu or strep.

Morning of Saturday 1/18

Yes, it’s the flu.

Afternoon of Saturday 1/18

My mom releases a statement to the press. “I told you so” was the statement. I am the press.

The moral of the story: If your mother says you are sick, you are sick.