PC: Pixabay

The Ivy League Apocalypse

April 7, 2019

Attention all SHS students, faculty, and parents: It is now safe for you to emerge from your bunkers. One week ago, an explosion of Ivy League regular decisions released poisonous levels of radiation and overall bad vibes into Scarsdale’s air. While the toxic energy has mostly dissipated, please look out for the following warning signs that could be extremely damaging to your (mental) health:

1. Facebook post by a parent, student, university, etc., regarding a college acceptance, rejection, scandal, etc.

2. News stories about some dude who got into every Ivy League school. He didn’t have to apply to all those schools. He just specifically wanted to let you know he’s better than you. Mission accomplished.

3. Two moms in Lange’s congratulating each other’s daughters at a very high volume. (While the conversation appears amicable, there is a passive aggressive undertone because Michelle didn’t invite Jodi to her 50th birthday party, and, according to inside sources, Jodi “made a whole thing out of it.”)

4. Photos taken with large amounts of college apparel, accessories, posters, stuffed mascots, real mascots, and banners.

5. A college decision reveal: Researchers say even a small cake cutting reveal with a few friends activates the part of the brain most associated with eye rolling.

6. “OMG, BFF—Yale just got soooo lucky!”

If you notice any of the above signals, you should immediately retreat underground because exposure to Scarsdale’s toxic air can result in headaches, nausea, being super, like, stressed out right now, and psychiatric suburban mom disorder. While harmless at first, this self-diagnosable mental disorder causes an increased appetite for college talk as well as sudden, unpredictable cravings for spin classes.

It might be awhile before it’s truly safe to live above ground in Scarsdale again. You’ll probably have to subsist for at least three weeks off of comfort food, stolen therapy dogs, and this absolutely delightful video of a baby panda climbing out of its crib.

These measures may seem extreme, but they are certainly warranted after a college decision explosion of this magnitude. Other dates on the calendar to circle include May 1st—final commitment day—and September 3rd—when this whole thing officially starts over again. Oh God.


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