12 Steps to Save Your Report Card Before the End of the Year

Courtney Swift


  1. Try studying by making study guides and quizlets and do all of your homework assignments to improve your grade.


  1. When that doesn’t work order yourself some food because you tried (examples: a 007 from Buon Amici’s, a braynt from Giannoni’s, or a lemonade iced tea from your man Sal at Lange’s)


  1. Consider giving up on school and hitchhiking to Idaho to jumpstart your career as a potato farmer.


  1. If you want to opt towards a different path to go down, confirm with all of your teachers that they put the correct grade on your report card. Who knows, that C+ could really be an A-.


  1. When your teacher confirms that the grade is correct, start to cry. And really cry, say you’re willing to do any extra assignments because no one can say no to your extreme desperation, vulnerability, and willingness.  (Note: make a Kim Kardashian crying face because not only will your teacher feel bad for you, but they will also be slightly terrified by you and won’t want to make the situation worse.)


  1. If that doesn’t work in your favor, there is one more simple way to solve this, all you need is to hire a private investigator (preferably one named Carl, those are the most efficient ones) and the rest is easy.


  1. Do you have Carl? Good. (Refer to the number 6)


  1. Ask your PI to track down Freddie Benson (from the Nickelodeon show iCarly) and locate him in Seattle, Washington. Go to his apartment and ask him to hack into the school’s network system and change all of your grades like he has done before in iCarly.


  1. When Carl has told you that Freddie Benson is not a real person, lie down because your childhood may have just been ruined.


  1. Realize you could’ve spent this time studying and question what you are doing with your life, and what your priorities are.


  1. Before June ends, when your parents see your report card, tell them it’s a really late April Fools joke and the real one is coming soon. This should save you several weeks to put this aside and focus on other things in your life.

12. After you have succeeded with this, go into your room and watch Netflix. Eat a donut. You earned it.